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I HATH RETURNED!!!!
(JUST TO PICK UP MY HAT)
Brothers! Countrymen! I have betrayed you! While I have gallivanted around law school fraternizing with Statutes, getting drunk with Habeas Corpus, and forcing myself sexually on Federal Civil Procedure, I have left my beloved readers to the void, like so many Kurds before Saddam. How long has it been? Months? Years? Epochs?
I hardly recognize the old black and red.
My counter says, outrageously, there are those of you who still come to this site, day after day, like those dogs in the movies that wait for their dead master at a bus stop. And despite the rather insulting dog simile I just employed, know that you people hold a special place in the charred, blackened, empty cavity in my chest. Your devotion to this old bard brings a tear to my eye. But since I haven't updated in nigh a year, 'tis a tear of shame.
But why! Why, after posting every banal miscarriage of an idea that wheezed its way into my brain, would I just up and leave this page to die an agonizing slow death?
A page once sought out by tens of.......ones....for the witty barbs I would hurl against my gracious lunatic hosts, now doomed to only show up when someone Googles +“Japanese cake fucking.”
I know I told you all that this site would continue throughout my law school adventures, and perhaps even beyond that, perhaps one day detailing the “adventures” of an aging, married 45 year old lawyer with 4 kids who can barely get out of bed in the morning so deep is his self-loathing.
But I canna do it, captain. What few non-masturbatory hours that are not eaten up by the gaping maw of Law School are far too precious for me to spend.....here......doing this. Seems I really should have just ended it with my fabulously well written tear-jerker I posted those 7 months ago, but my hubris bade me continue, continue towards the sun on wings of wax and laziness.....
Law School is a bizarre beast. It is a place where you can spend an hour and a half, in all dead seriousness, discussing why a $200 million dollar contract failed because the parties could not agree on what a “chicken” is. It is a place where people actually measure your f-ing periods with a ruler and can fail your paper if you fail to italicize a comma. It is a place where you can be taught by professors so old then when pressed to give a legal example, they use wagons as a sample commodity.
WAGONS!
(Incidentally that particular professor is so old that he was the 1st year civil procedure professor to Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito)
Yes, there are a thousand stories I could tell about the inner workings of law school, but as anyone who has met me even once can testify.....I’m laaaaaaazy. Like, “rug on valium” lazy. And there is just no way I can keep up the frantic pace of my Japanese yester years with the pressures and demands of being a graduate level slacker.
So that’s it, my friends. In the words of Bill Paxton, perhaps the finest thespian to ever grace the screen.....
“Game over, man.”
Ok, well I think that's dramatic enough. But let me at least tell you ten totally true things law school has taught me:
1) Wearing flip-flops in the winter is a very effective deterrent against muggings, as everyone assumes you are a homeless lunatic who stole a leather jacket.
2) A law professor who innocently confused two Chinese foreign exchange students with each other is apparently branded an “unctuous racist.”
3) A law professor who frequently does Italian organ grinder impersonations (with monkey, mind you), is apparently not deemed a racist.
4) People who say, “law school is not like college, man, you really do have to go to every class!” are fucking cowards......who probably get A’s.
5) Glancing at a contract out of the corner of your eye will bind you irrevocably to it in perpetuity throughout the universe.
6) If a hobo sits down on your front lawn and doesn’t move for 10 years, he owns your entire house.
7) If you chase the hobo away with a broom stick after 9 years, 364 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, and 59 seconds, he GETS NOTHING.
8) Under certain circumstances, eating a small boy is punishable by only 6 months in prison. (Not kidding)
9) If you are orally copulating or sodomizing someone in Illinois, and that person dies of a heart attack, you just committed first degree murder, pal. Anna Nicole beware.
10) The level of prestige a professor has is directly proportional to his ability to cause people to lose consciousness just by speaking. If he is tenured the process can take less than 15 seconds.
As for my personal life, you will be thrilled to know my beloved Duchess Miki is on her way here all too soon. Come June, she will toss aside her "pitiable" life in that small provincial bucolic paradise, where there is no stress or problems to speak of and lush scenic mountains in every direction, to come to the "wonderful" Tenderloin of San Francisco, a place so filled with bum's pee that......that it really needs no metaphor.
Cause it's filled with pee.
But she has already tasted of America over this past winter break, and like a beautiful crack addict, she is coming back for more. Allow me to show you a few glimpses of the Duchess:
Here we have Miki at the Japanese wedding of the lovely Kyoko and the....usually flannel clad Zacharias, a fellow honkey with a Japanese girlfriend that he met while JETting around. In attendance you will notice Haku and GG, as well as various other white folks you may recall from my adventures.
But for the grace of God, go Miki and I.....
Seeing as they are in largely the same situation as us, Miki and I use Zach and Kyoko as relationship guinnea pigs, watching them intently for relationship pitfalls, like using the youngest children to sweep minefields.
And here we are in the untamed brokeback deserts of Nevada:
Although generally Las Vegas is filled with "fat" asses, occasionally you get the normal kind.
And here we are in the nicer areas of San Francisco......the parts we won't ever actually be in when we live here.
My two favorite girls in the world..... freezing their asses off while I fumbled with my cell-phone cam. I'm thrilled to say they became fast friends, united by their mutual fondness for insulting me and my fatness.
And there it is, my readers. My new life, here in the San Francisco, with Miki soon to join me by my side. No more chasing bees, no more drinking dirty bathwater. No more Hakushaku.
Just Roberto, with the girl that he loves, in a stinky bum ridden paradise. Remember me that way, friends.
Farewell, all of you.......
Even that one weird German guy.
I remain your faithful servant,
Roberto "Hakushaku" Ripamonti
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